BRIAN MATUSZAK - Brian is frustrated with issues beyond his control

• BRIAN MATUSZAK

BRIAN MATUSZAK

Talk about it

So I’m experiencing a great deal of frustration right now, a frustration that grows out of things beyond my control. I know, I know, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, recognize the things I can’t control ...” blabbity blabbity bloo. All I know is, things aren’t going the way I’d like them to go, and no Serenity Prayer is going to help me out of this funk.  

Take shopping, for instance. We went to buy conditioner the other day for Kaylee. (What, you thought it was for me? I have more hair in my ears than hair on my head.) She needs a special conditioner to take care of her hair after swimming, and the stuff’s not cheap, so when there is a sale, we’re there faster than Fox News at an Obama snafu. “Buy Two, Get One Free” the flyer proclaimed, so we naturally assumed we could actually do that, but when we got to the store, there were only TWO bottles of the stuff on the shelf. Since we weren’t willing to Buy Two, Get a Bemused Shrug of the Employee’s Shoulders Free, we left. Frustrated.   

Or how about Daylight Saving Time? I used to look forward to partying like it was 1979 every Halloween because I knew I’d get a free hour of precious sleep due to that mysterious clock-turning phenomenon. But then I found out some meddlesome legislator somewhere has changed it all around to push my hour of free sleep back into November. Who needs to sleep then? It’s November! That’s all we do for the entire month anyway! (Especially on Thanksgiving when we unbuckle our pants, head down to the Lake Place Park in our minds, and trip out on the synthetic tryptophan, man ….) I need the free hour of sleep in OCTOBER, when I am sugar-buzzing on peanut butter pumpkins and Necco wafers! See what I mean? More FRUSTRATION!!

Or the recent Halloween holiday itself! We heard a bazillion stories about this being the 20th anniversary of the 1991 blizzard that buried us under 17 feet of snow and how the trick-or-treating children back then survived only by huddling around the fire of their smoldering “Terminator 2” and Pee Wee Herman costumes. Well, I really needed a repeat of that megastorm. I had a column due for the Budgeteer, and I couldn’t think of anything to write about, so a huge snowstorm really would have bailed me out. But what happens? No blizzard! I had to slap this column together at the last minute because we got fewer flakes than a Republican presidential debate!!! I’m tellin’ ya! It’s nothing but FRUSTRATION around here! FRUSTRATION!! FRUSTRATION!!! FRUSTRATION!!!!!!

Brian, you need to take a breath, stop hitting the exclamation point key, and recognize how many wonderful things are going on around you before you rip out the rest of that ear hair.

Oh, yeah? Like what?!

How about the fact that you have a beautiful wife and amazing daughter who put up with your shenanigans and actually care about you.

I guess there IS that...

And your family is all healthy. And they have jobs, even in this slow economy.

Well, that’s true, too....

And ”Beavis and Butthead” is back.

You’re right! What do I have to be frustrated about? And I didn’t even have to use your Serenity Prayer! Thanks, God!

Um, actually, this isn’t God.

What? Who are you then?

Don Ness. God’s busy helping the Vikings prepare for Green Bay next week.

Uh, huh. I think I’m going to be frustrated again. 

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008.  He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and is actually a pretty carefree guy. Just don’t get him started on the Star Wars prequels.

Tags: budge a and e, arts and entertainment, budgeteer, columns